After a loss, people often expect grief to follow a tidy path. You may have heard of the five stages — denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance — and wondered why your experience looks nothing like a neat staircase. Maybe you felt fine for weeks and then fell apart over a song in a supermarket. Maybe a year has passed and people seem surprised you’re still sad.

Here’s what I want you to know: there is no correct way to grieve, and there is no deadline. Grief isn’t a problem to be solved. It’s a reflection of love, and it moves at its own pace.

Where the “stages” came from

The five stages were first described by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969, and they were based on her work with people who were themselves dying — not those who were grieving someone else. She later said she regretted that the stages were taken as a linear checklist. Many people never experience some of them at all, and most move back and forth between feelings many times.

Modern grief research offers a more realistic picture. One helpful model, called the dual process model, describes grief as an oscillation: we move between facing the loss (crying, remembering, longing) and stepping away from it (going to work, laughing with friends, sorting out practical things). Both are healthy. Both are part of grieving.

“Grief doesn’t get smaller. Over time, we grow larger around it.”

What grief can actually look like

Grief is often imagined as sadness, but it shows up in many forms. You might experience:

• Physical symptoms: exhaustion, aches, changes in appetite, difficulty sleeping, or getting ill more often.

• Mental fog: trouble concentrating, forgetfulness, losing track of time.

• Big emotions: anger, guilt, relief, numbness, anxiety — sometimes all in the same afternoon.

• Waves out of nowhere: a smell, a date or a familiar phrase can bring the loss rushing back, even years later.

• Changes in identity: losing someone can also mean losing a role — partner, carer, child — and the future you’d imagined together.

All of these are normal. They’re not signs that you’re “not coping”. They’re signs that someone mattered deeply.

Grief isn’t only about death

We also grieve losses that others may not recognise: a miscarriage, the end of a relationship, a diagnosis, estrangement from a family member, a move away from home, or a life that didn’t turn out as planned. This is sometimes called disenfranchised grief, because it isn’t openly acknowledged or socially supported.

If your loss doesn’t come with a funeral or sympathy cards, you may feel you don’t have “permission” to be as affected as you are. You do. Grief is about attachment, not about whether others consider the loss significant.

Being gentle with yourself

There’s no formula for getting through grief, but there are ways to make it a little more bearable:

1. Let feelings come and go. You don’t have to be sad all the time, and you don’t have to feel guilty when you laugh. Oscillating is healthy.

2. Look after the basics. Eat something, drink water, get outside for a few minutes, and rest when you can. Grief is physically demanding.

3. Find ways to stay connected. Many people find comfort in continuing bonds — writing letters to the person, keeping a meaningful object, cooking their favourite recipe or marking anniversaries.

4. Tell people what you need. Friends often want to help but don’t know how. “Could you just check in on Sundays?” or “I’d love to hear your memories of her” gives them a clear way in.

5. Expect hard days. Birthdays, holidays and anniversaries can bring a fresh wave. Plan something gentle and let yourself feel what comes.

When grief gets stuck

For most people, the intensity of grief gradually softens, even though the loss is never forgotten. For some, though, grief stays so consuming that it’s hard to function months or years later. You might feel unable to accept that the person is gone, avoid anything that reminds you of them, or feel that life has lost all meaning.

This is sometimes called prolonged grief, and it’s not a sign of weakness. Therapy can help you process the loss, make sense of difficult feelings like guilt or anger, and slowly find a way to carry your grief alongside a life that still holds meaning.

You don’t have to do this alone

There is no timeline you’re failing to keep up with. Whether your loss was last week or ten years ago, your grief is valid, and support is available whenever you’re ready for it.

If you’re struggling to cope or having thoughts of not wanting to be here, please reach out — call or text 988 at any time to talk with someone.